Sunday, June 20, 2010

Weakly EDitorial: The Dictionary of FeminEnglish (The Language of Women)

The Weakly EDitorial is our series of silly posts. They could be stories or other randomness.

For this article, we're starting a dictionary of words women use that don't actually mean what you think they mean. This dictionary is meant for men in order to understand how to translate what women say.

Feel free to leave a comment with your own words to add to this dictionary. Thanks!


Originally posted on 5/26. Latest updates: "The Trash Is Full," "Which Dress Should I Wear?" and "Yes"


Do you think I'm fat? This is a test. Do not, under any circumstances, say "Yes," even if it's true. Do not answer in any sort of truthful way. Do not talk about her diet, what she eats, how she exercises, or try in any way to fix her weight issues. She's not asking for truth, and she's not asking for help with her weight. She wants you to compliment her. Say something like, "Of course not. You're beautiful." Then give her a hug, back rub, or kiss (whatever's appropriate; you might not want to kiss your sister).

Don't worry about it, I've got it: A dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to "Nothing."

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. "Five minutes" is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

I Look Fat: This is another test. If she says, "I look fat," what she means is, "You don't compliment me enough, and I think it might be because you think I look fat." Do NOT agree with her. If she has a crazy sense of humor, you can be clever and say, "Really? Next time you look at yourself in a mirror, don't look through a fish bowl, because you are NOT fat at all." You could also take a risk and tell her that you've seen fat people, and that she is not one of them. But the safest thing to say is, "No you are not fat. You are beautiful, and I love you." (Use "appreciate" instead of "love" if she's just a friend.) And if you're empathetic, you could say, "Have I been complimenting you lately? Because I think about how beautiful you are all the time. Should I say that out loud more?" And then the bottom line, again, is that you're not complimenting her enough. So get back into complimenting her (clothes, the way she looks... anything really). So if she said this, you're already failing.

Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to "nothing.")

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say, "You're welcome. " This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot." See "Thanks a lot."

Thanks a Lot: This is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, say "You're welcome" -- that will bring on "Whatever."

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

The Trash is Full: This is probably your mother, but it could also be your wife, girlfriend, or any other woman in your house. She's not actually saying "The trash is full." What she's saying is, "The trash is full, and you need to get your lazy rear up, go around the house, collect all the full trash bags, tie them up, take them out to the garbage can, and make sure you get new liners in the trash cans. And you need to do that RIGHT NOW!!!" Therefore, you should never say, "Yes. Yes it is." or even worse, "Really? Maybe you should take it out." That will bring on a war, and women fight dirty.

What Dress Should I Wear? This is another test. She's not actually asking you. She has the answer in her mind, and she's testing you whether or not you love her enough to know what dress she should wear. Do not, under any circumstance, actually answer this question, because there's no way you could possibly know. (However, if you're metrosexual and you pay attention to that stuff, calculate your odds of how accurate your answer probably is before you answer. If your chances are 98% of accuracy or above, then it's probably worth the risk.) The best way to answer this question is to compliment all the options, then compliment her, and then ask her what her favorite dress is or any other question about the dresses. This will get her talking about her dresses (women love to talk), and she'll forget that she tested you. The woman probably won't mind doing this either (being distracted), since her main goal of the test is just to get you to pay more attention to her, and asking/talking to her about her dresses accomplishes that goal in a different way.

Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "Up yours!"

Yes: If you ask a woman out in a vague way (see "You're so funny!"), and she says "Yes," then you need to follow up with something more specific. For example, your vague question could be, "Want to go for a walk or get a cup of coffee sometime?" or "Want to go grab something to eat?" or "Want to go do something?" Then, if she says, "Yes," she really means "Yes, but I'm testing you to see if you take me to do something that's appropriate or not." Next, you need to ask her a very specific question and whittle it down. For example, "Great! Would you rather go for a walk or I can take you to a movie?" Then continue to whittle it down. By giving her choices, you are initiating but still ensuring that she has a good time. Otherwise, she might end up seeing Death Race 12, and you might ruin the opportunity.

You're so funny! If this woman is just a friend, she might like you as more than a friend, regardless of whether or not you're actually funny. (Sorry, you might not be funny; she might just be telling you that she likes you.) If she's less than 3 feet away from you, looking in your eyes with wide open eyes, smiling, and her body is upright (straight posture with her rear and chest out), then she's laying the hints on very thick. If you don't like her, say "Thank you," step away, and talk to someone else or change the subject. If you do like her, say "Thank you," compliment her (such as "I really enjoy hanging out with you") and then ask her to do something (such as "Hey, do you want to go for a coffee or a walk sometime?" -- the use of "sometime" will force a yes or no out of her rather than an excuse about whether or not your suggested time will work, since you probably won't know if her excuse is genuine or not).


Some of these are mine, and some of these I've found from anonymous authors. Leave a comment if you have more.



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