Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Weakly EDitorial: Rodney Dangerfield's best jokes

In honor of Rodney Dangerfield (who has passed on; November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), here are our favorite of his jokes, spun a little differently.

For those who don't know, Rodney was famous for one-liners, and he sometimes borrowed from other comedians, which, at the time, wasn't considered as big of a deal as it is now in the digital age. The "I get no respect" jokes were his trademarks, sort of how Jeff Foxworthy's are "You might be a redneck."

First, some general ones:

• You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

• I have to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

• I had my driver’s test the other day. I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

• The other day I told my wife that our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way." … Not sure if she was kidding.

• Once, somebody stole our car. The cops asked if I saw who it was. I said, "No, but I did get the license number." … They didn’t like that.

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

• I’m not the best driver. I once hit a deer… In a zoo.

I came from a tough neighborhood…

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

• People say fish is good for a diet. But fish in my neighborhood was never cooked in butter. Fish was cooked in natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

• I went to a hotel in my neighborhood once, and they stole my towel!

• In my neighborhood, bath toys for kids were toasters and radios. … The strong survive.

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, though; the knife had butter on it.

I get no respect…

• I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... " … I lost my motivation. I wonder if that was reverse psychology… Probably not.

• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but it was okay; I always found them.

• The other night a mugger was about to mug me, but then instead he took off his mask and made me wear it.

• I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

• I asked an old man in the park, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

• One time I told my boss I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

• When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

• When I was younger, a girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." So I went over. Nobody was home.

• When I was a kid, I played in the sandbox, and the cat kept covering me up.

• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. I was like, “Hey thanks! … Wait a minute!”

• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

• Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

• The other day, my tie caught on fire; the fireman instantly showed up and tried to put it out with an axe.

• I asked the park ranger if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.



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