Weakly EDitorial: Rodney Dangerfield's best jokes

In honor of Rodney Dangerfield (who has passed on; November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), here are our favorite of his jokes, spun a little differently.



For those who don't know, Rodney was famous for one-liners, and he sometimes borrowed from other comedians, which, at the time, wasn't considered as big of a deal as it is now in the digital age. The "I get no respect" jokes were his trademarks, sort of how Jeff Foxworthy's are "You might be a redneck."


First, some general ones:

• You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

• I have to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

• I had my driver’s test the other day. I got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

• The other day I told my wife that our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way." … Not sure if she was kidding.

• Once, somebody stole our car. The cops asked if I saw who it was. I said, "No, but I did get the license number." … They didn’t like that.

• I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

• I’m not the best driver. I once hit a deer… In a zoo.


I came from a tough neighborhood…

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

• People say fish is good for a diet. But fish in my neighborhood was never cooked in butter. Fish was cooked in natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

• I went to a hotel in my neighborhood once, and they stole my towel!

• In my neighborhood, bath toys for kids were toasters and radios. … The strong survive.

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, though; the knife had butter on it.


I get no respect…

• I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... " … I lost my motivation. I wonder if that was reverse psychology… Probably not.

• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but it was okay; I always found them.

• The other night a mugger was about to mug me, but then instead he took off his mask and made me wear it.

• I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

• I asked an old man in the park, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

• One time I told my boss I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

• When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."

• When I was younger, a girl phoned me and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." So I went over. Nobody was home.

• When I was a kid, I played in the sandbox, and the cat kept covering me up.

• I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. I was like, “Hey thanks! … Wait a minute!”

• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

• Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

• The other day, my tie caught on fire; the fireman instantly showed up and tried to put it out with an axe.

• I asked the park ranger if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

• My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.



Enjoy!

- TAE

Smurfs realistic movie makeover

They've been around for over 50 years, but for the first time they're coming to our world. The Smurfs, the little blue people from comics and TV, are getting three-dimensional in a live-action/computer-animated feature film. Watch the exclusive teaser trailer, introduced by star Neil Patrick Harris, for a first look at the new digital Smurfs, then keep reading to find out how they end up in modern-day New York City.

In the original comic strips by Peyo, and later on the animated TV show, the Smurfs lived in a European setting during the Middle Ages. The movie begins in the same era, but the Smurfs' arch-enemy Gargamel (played by Hank Azaria) invades their village and sends them running. According to director Raja Gosnell ("Scooby-Doo"), some of the Smurfs stumble into a secret part of the forest where "there's a magical portal that transports them to Central Park."

Lost in Manhattan, the Smurfs -- Papa, Clumsy, Grouchy, Brainy, Gutsy, and Smurfette -- find a couple of human friends (Harris and "Glee" star Jayma Mays) who take them in. They look for a way home, but Gargamel also crosses into our world to track them down.



From the teaser trailer, it's apparent that the look of the computer-generated Smurfs is very faithful to the originals. They're blue-skinned, though with a textured, fuzzy-looking skin tone the cartoons couldn't capture. And of course they have their signature floppy hats (with Papa Smurf in red). He's not shown in the trailer, but photos of Azaria in costume as Gargamel have surfaced, and he also looks the part. He's bald, with prosthetic ears and a nose, and he's wearing a black robe and red shoes exactly like the animated version.



In addition to the human actors -- Sofia Vergara from "Modern Family" also plays a role -- the Smurfs are voiced by a wide range of comedic talents. Legendary standup Jonathan Winters plays Papa Smurf, George Lopez is Grouchy, "SNL's" Fred Armisen is Brainy, and Paul Reubens (aka Pee Wee Herman) voices Jokey Smurf. Plus, pop superstar Katy Perry makes her movie debut as the voice of Smurfette.

"The Smurfs" will be smurfing their way onto the big screen on August 3, 2011.

From:
http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/movie-talk-the-smurfs-get-real-in-first-trailer.html
=================================

An interesting approach. It definitely is interesting, and it probably has the most potential. I think they could have done a lot in the medieval times, but bringing the characters to present times and big cities has worked well for Alvin and the Chipmunks and Scooby Doo (and slightly for Garfield).



Plus giving the film the Scooby Doo director is almost guaranteed a hit.

- TAE

Despicable Me - the music

If you've seen the posters or trailers for Universal's upcoming animated 3D movie "Despicable Me," you're probably wondering what's it all about. It features the voice talents of comedians like Steve Carell, Jason Segel, Russell Brand, and Kristen Wiig, and strangely a nearly all hip-hop soundtrack led by Pharrell Williams of the Neptunes and N.E.R.D.

Pharrell contributes four songs to the soundtrack of the movie about a supervillain, Gru (Carrell), who considers walking away from his army of minions when he meets three little girls who see him as a father figure.

The trailer already features the Pharrell written and produced theme "Despicable Me." He also contributes "Fun, Fun, Fun," "Prettiest Girls," and "Rocket's Theme." He also co-wrote and produced a track for Robin Thicke, "My Life," as well as "I'm on a Roll" by former Clique Girlz members Destinee & Paris.

Pharell also wrote and produced songs for the movie's characters The Minions titled "Minion Mambo" and for orphaned character Agnes, titled "The Unicorn Song." The soundtrack also features a pair of #1 disco hits, "You Should Be Dancing" by The Bee Gees and "Boogie Fever" by The Sylvers.

Pharrell's score for "Despicable Me" can be heard in its entirety when the movie hits theaters on July 9th. The soundtrack hits stores a few days prior on July 6th.

Read more: http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7018998830?Pharrell%20Leads%20Soundtrack%20To%20Animated%203D%20Comedy%20%22Despicable%20Me%22#ixzz0qzeLKvPT

Enjoy!

Letters Are Better (preschool animation)

AlphaBear performs Letters Are Better, telling the story of how the letters of the alphabet need each other.

What do you think? This animation is aimed at preschoolers, so let us know what they think too!


CREDITS:

Animation by Snorre Productions:

http://youtube.com/user/snorreproductions

Music by Elise Jiminez:

http://youtube.com/IAmEliseJimenez

Directed and Produced by Ed 'word' Price

Mickey Mouse doesn't get evil (Epic Mickey)

GLENDALE, Calif. (AP) -- Mickey Mouse won't be bad in the upcoming "Epic Mickey" video game. He was just drawn that way.

Warren Spector, creative director of Disney Interactive Studios' Junction Point, said the beloved international icon won't transform into a snarling rat as originally planned for the game when players make mischievous choices, such as pilfering treasures from a store or erasing characters with thinner. Instead, Mickey will take on a smudgy look if he's naughty.

"We're not going to change Mickey's image so much," said Spector.



During a recent demonstration of the latest iteration of the upcoming Wii game that will be on display at this week's Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, Spector said the decision to scrap the malevolent-looking Mickey was made following negative feedback during focus testing of the game, which features Mickey trekking through a cartoon wasteland.

"People don't like it when you mess with Mickey," said Spector. "We did a focus test that was really eye opening for me. There was a biker dude saying, 'Oh, I'd never play a Mickey Mouse game,' and then we showed him images of a changed Mickey. I was sitting there thinking, 'You're gonna love what we do,' but he said, 'No! Don't mess with my childhood.'"

"Epic Mickey" is set in a virtual world of wayward renditions of Disney locales, such as Adventureland and Skull Rock. Throughout the game, players will be faced with moral dilemmas about whether to help other characters. For example, should Mickey persuade a lovelorn pirate to give a bouquet of flowers or an ice cream cone to a lactose intolerant Henrietta Cow?

...

After "Epic Mickey" appeared on the cover of Game Informer magazine last fall, several fans were outraged over Mickey's makeover...

Read more:
http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/plugged-in/mickey-mouse-s-mean-makeover-erased-from-wii-game/1402557
=================================

Okay, first of all, Spector, you shouldn't listen to that biker, and you should fire your user researchers. Why are you even talking to a guy who says he'd never buy a Mickey game? He isn't even your audience! Who cares what he thinks? You need to ask the people who WILL buy your Mickey game. They're your audience.

Second, this isn't new. Walt Disney also complained about this. He always intended Mickey to be mischevious, but somewhere in the 30s, he didn't make it apparent enough, and when he went back to show Mickey's mischevious side, all the fans got angry.

That's when Walt realized Mickey had to be a happy mouse. That's also when Walt concentrated more on Donald Duck and gave him the qualities that Mickey used to have. As expected, Mickey's popularity went down when Walt gave the fans what they asked for, but Donald's popularity went up (plus Disney had the films to rely on).

So trying to make Mickey mischevious again is going to upset some fans. However, Mickey Mouse in Runaway Brain (a short from 1995) got away with making Mickey an imperfect mouse.

- TAE

New Goldeneye game for Wii

Activision is trying to make a sequel to Goldeneye again...

Never say never, gamers.

On Tuesday, Activision unveiled GoldenEye 007, a re-imagined take on a Nintendo 64 classic that many consider to be among the greatest first-person shooter games ever created. And like its forbear, the new version will be a Nintendo exclusive when it arrives this holiday for the Wii console.

...

Perhaps the most notable tweak is a casting change. Current Bond Daniel Craig will replace traditional GoldenEye lead Pierce Brosnan as the star of the show, and while that might not sit well with GoldenEye purists, the game itself looks to stay true to form.

With an emphasis on multiplayer (the real hallmark of GoldenEye), the new effort boasts 40 different characters, 5 maps, 3 basic modes and 16 modifiers that will purportedly let gamers create over 500 different kinds of multiplayer games. It will also be playable online with up to 8 players and include some sort of experience system rewarding online play. The game will support multiple control schemes as well, including the somewhat underused Wii Zapper.

Released in 1997 for the N64, the original GoldenEye was a bona fide smash. It enjoys a startling 96 rating on Metacritic and has sold over eight million copies, making it far and away the best-selling Bond game ever.



Read more:
http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/plugged-in/the-spy-who-loved-wii-new-goldeneye-game-announced/1402397
========================

The article and trailer have been pumping it up much bigger than it deserves. Activision has been trying to sell off the success of Goldeneye for over a decade, including an actual sequel to Goldeneye. They're just trying again. Nothing new here.

And as gamers know, a game's only as good as the makers. So this would be a much more impressive announcement if they announced that they got Rare to make it.

That said, it does look like a great game, and they certainly put a lot of hard work into the game and its promotion.

- TAE

Weakly EDitorial: The Dictionary of FeminEnglish (The Language of Women)

The Weakly EDitorial is our series of silly posts. They could be stories or other randomness.

For this article, we're starting a dictionary of words women use that don't actually mean what you think they mean. This dictionary is meant for men in order to understand how to translate what women say.

Feel free to leave a comment with your own words to add to this dictionary. Thanks!

===========

Originally posted on 5/26. Latest updates: "The Trash Is Full," "Which Dress Should I Wear?" and "Yes"

===========


Do you think I'm fat? This is a test. Do not, under any circumstances, say "Yes," even if it's true. Do not answer in any sort of truthful way. Do not talk about her diet, what she eats, how she exercises, or try in any way to fix her weight issues. She's not asking for truth, and she's not asking for help with her weight. She wants you to compliment her. Say something like, "Of course not. You're beautiful." Then give her a hug, back rub, or kiss (whatever's appropriate; you might not want to kiss your sister).


Don't worry about it, I've got it: A dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to "Nothing."


Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. "Five minutes" is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


I Look Fat: This is another test. If she says, "I look fat," what she means is, "You don't compliment me enough, and I think it might be because you think I look fat." Do NOT agree with her. If she has a crazy sense of humor, you can be clever and say, "Really? Next time you look at yourself in a mirror, don't look through a fish bowl, because you are NOT fat at all." You could also take a risk and tell her that you've seen fat people, and that she is not one of them. But the safest thing to say is, "No you are not fat. You are beautiful, and I love you." (Use "appreciate" instead of "love" if she's just a friend.) And if you're empathetic, you could say, "Have I been complimenting you lately? Because I think about how beautiful you are all the time. Should I say that out loud more?" And then the bottom line, again, is that you're not complimenting her enough. So get back into complimenting her (clothes, the way she looks... anything really). So if she said this, you're already failing.


Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but it is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer to "nothing.")


Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."


Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say, "You're welcome. " This is true, unless she says "Thanks a lot." See "Thanks a lot."


Thanks a Lot: This is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, say "You're welcome" -- that will bring on "Whatever."


That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


The Trash is Full: This is probably your mother, but it could also be your wife, girlfriend, or any other woman in your house. She's not actually saying "The trash is full." What she's saying is, "The trash is full, and you need to get your lazy rear up, go around the house, collect all the full trash bags, tie them up, take them out to the garbage can, and make sure you get new liners in the trash cans. And you need to do that RIGHT NOW!!!" Therefore, you should never say, "Yes. Yes it is." or even worse, "Really? Maybe you should take it out." That will bring on a war, and women fight dirty.


What Dress Should I Wear? This is another test. She's not actually asking you. She has the answer in her mind, and she's testing you whether or not you love her enough to know what dress she should wear. Do not, under any circumstance, actually answer this question, because there's no way you could possibly know. (However, if you're metrosexual and you pay attention to that stuff, calculate your odds of how accurate your answer probably is before you answer. If your chances are 98% of accuracy or above, then it's probably worth the risk.) The best way to answer this question is to compliment all the options, then compliment her, and then ask her what her favorite dress is or any other question about the dresses. This will get her talking about her dresses (women love to talk), and she'll forget that she tested you. The woman probably won't mind doing this either (being distracted), since her main goal of the test is just to get you to pay more attention to her, and asking/talking to her about her dresses accomplishes that goal in a different way.


Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying, "Up yours!"


Yes: If you ask a woman out in a vague way (see "You're so funny!"), and she says "Yes," then you need to follow up with something more specific. For example, your vague question could be, "Want to go for a walk or get a cup of coffee sometime?" or "Want to go grab something to eat?" or "Want to go do something?" Then, if she says, "Yes," she really means "Yes, but I'm testing you to see if you take me to do something that's appropriate or not." Next, you need to ask her a very specific question and whittle it down. For example, "Great! Would you rather go for a walk or I can take you to a movie?" Then continue to whittle it down. By giving her choices, you are initiating but still ensuring that she has a good time. Otherwise, she might end up seeing Death Race 12, and you might ruin the opportunity.


You're so funny! If this woman is just a friend, she might like you as more than a friend, regardless of whether or not you're actually funny. (Sorry, you might not be funny; she might just be telling you that she likes you.) If she's less than 3 feet away from you, looking in your eyes with wide open eyes, smiling, and her body is upright (straight posture with her rear and chest out), then she's laying the hints on very thick. If you don't like her, say "Thank you," step away, and talk to someone else or change the subject. If you do like her, say "Thank you," compliment her (such as "I really enjoy hanging out with you") and then ask her to do something (such as "Hey, do you want to go for a coffee or a walk sometime?" -- the use of "sometime" will force a yes or no out of her rather than an excuse about whether or not your suggested time will work, since you probably won't know if her excuse is genuine or not).


===========

Some of these are mine, and some of these I've found from anonymous authors. Leave a comment if you have more.

Enjoy!

- TAE

Could Cloud Computing take over videogame consoles?

There’s a fox in the henhouse at E3 this year.

As Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo promote their upcoming hardware innovations and try to extend the life cycle of this generation of consoles, a burgeoning company called OnLive sits on the show floor of the video game industry’s trade show, sending out the message that dedicated game machines could be a thing of the past.

The idea behind OnLive is simple: Games are stored and played on its centralized servers (the "cloud," in tech parlance) and pushed to users via a broadband connection. When you press a button on your controller at home, that action is transmitted virtually instantaneously to the game and reflected on screen.

On the surface, it sounds like a just another delivery method—but what makes OnLive and other upcoming cloud-based gaming services interesting is their ability to transform almost any screen into a high end gaming system.

Core PC gamers spend thousands of dollars to put together systems loaded with RAM and bleeding edge graphics cards to get the most out of their games. But with cloud gaming, a $300 netbook or low-end desktop will be able to play games just as effectively, with optimized graphical and other gameplay settings – since all the processing is done remotely. OnLive will soon launch a peripheral for television sets as well, letting you play in your living room.

The iPhone and iPad are next logical steps—and while the company hasn’t announced any formal intention to support Apple’s products, it has shown demos of the service up and running on them, indicating plans are in the works.

...

OnLive isn’t the only company exploring this space. Gaming industry veteran Dave Perry is working on a similar platform, called Gaikai. And privately held Otoy is working on a software solution that would accomplish the same goal.

What makes OnLive stand out is its founder—Steve Perlman—who previous led development on the technology behind QuickTime and founded WebTV. The company also has several high profile investors, including AT&T Media Holdings and Warner Bros.

...

The service isn’t without its hurdles, though. OnLive, which launches June 17, is untested in the open world. Still uncertain is whether games will be as responsive with subscribers as they are in controlled media demos. Many also wonder if they’ll be able to fully enjoy the service’s benefits with a typical broadband connection—or if they’ll need to pay more for faster service from their provider. And the monthly $14.95 service fee (which doesn’t include the price of games) could be offsetting to some as well.

Read more:
http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/plugged-in/cloud-computing-a-paradigm-shift-for-gaming/1402424
=========================

My take: I think these small companies better watch out and figure out how to get big FAST! In other words, they need to get started and immediately sell out to a large company like Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, or even Apple or Google. And then that large company will give it a fighting chance.

Otherwise, they're on a time clock to their own demise. It will only take the big three (Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo) a couple of years before they realize they need to fashion new systems in this way. And then with their muscle for peripherals, motion-controllers, and game libraries, it's all over for the small companies.

- TAE

Marvel makes its way to Disneyland

But only in Downtown Disney stores... for now.



It may not officially be in the main park yet, but Disney's $4.3 billion acquisition of Marvel is about to pay dividends in Downtown Disney. Disney.com announced that Marvel merchandise including T-shirts and toys of Iron Man and Spider-Man are now available at D Street. The Downtown Disney shop offers "edgier" products and non-Disney brands.

Disneyland officials told the Orange County Register the park hasn't determined whether Marvel products will be sold elsewhere, including inside the theme parks themselves. That's somewhat stunning considering the possibilities within Disneyland and other resorts including Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom, Epcot Center and global Disney parks. However, it's possible Marvel's pre-existing contract with Universal Studios Orlando's Marvel Super Hero Island might make things a bit complicated...for the moment.

From:
http://www.hitfix.com/galleries/2010-5-8-10-stories-you-might-have-missed-spider-man-and-iron-man-debut-at-disneyland

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday Chris Gethard

In honor of our favorite funny man turning the big 3-0 we decided to make this little video for him.

Happy Birthday Chris Gethard!

If you don't know who he is look him up RIGHT NOW or click on the links within the video because he is going to be a superstar. His brand new show, Big Lake premieres on Comedy Central this August.

(Also, we really wanted to do this since it was on Glee not too long ago...and we're suckers for 90's pop.)



From our friends the Ethnic Chicks! Hilarious! Enjoy!

- TAE

GagaManMusic's "We Share" videos

Here are the versions on GagaManMusic's channel.

Here's an earlier version before some camera movements and other animation refinements:



This is the final version of "We Share":



Enjoy!

- TAE

Tribute to Bucket Full of Cheese

One am. Gratuitous amounts of caffeine. Silliness ensues.

This is Cori McDaniel and Kyla Daniel's way of paying homage to Animation Empire's "Bucket Full of Cheese, a song which not only provided them with many laughs at 2:30 in the morning, but sums up six years of friendship. Since the release of this song in 2007, it has had roughl...y 40,400 views. Cori and Kyla were probably most of those. So, as a tribute to the video that got them through highschool, Cori and Kyla present there own version of "Bucket Full of Cheese."

Originally done by the guys at Animation Empire, O-Tizzle and Ed "Word" Price, directed by MattyO



===========================

And the original song:



So apparently our silly Bucket Full of Cheese song helped these girls pass high school. Not entirely sure how that works, but I think that makes our song eduational. =^)

- TAE